I
Hate Boats
A
Short Tale on the River
by:
Adam Gottfried
This is a short story I wrote for a context to win a chance to appear in Paizo's magazine. I did not win. But my loss is your incredible gain! The characters are from our regular Pathfinder game.
With
one final gut-wrenching roar Mordock violently heaved the remains of
his morning meal from the dubious safety of his stomach into the
green water of the Sellen River, passing by the flat-bottomed
riverboat. The half-orc looked gray under his greenish, oddly scaly
skin as he slumped to a sitting position against the wall, using his
haversack to prop himself up.
“I
hate boats,” he growled to no one in particular. His friend and
long time traveling companion, the archer Riley Savage, sat down next
to him.
“Mordock
Sunblade,” he said, shaking his head. “I have seen you stand
stalwart in the face of horrific demons, cleave living statues in
twain, beat goblins to death with a net full of corpses, and run
screaming away from the death of your best friend--”
“Technically
you did not see that,” Mordock was pressing his thumb and
forefinger against his throbbing temples with one clawed hand but
managed to hold up a finger in Riley's direction. “On account of
that you were dead at the time.”
“Yet
somehow a simple riverboat has laid you to waste.”
“And
I rectified the whole death situation at any rate,” Mordock
continued.
Riley
punched Mordock, none too gently on the bicep. The half-orc turned
dragon-man barely registered the blow. “Gods forbid your enemies
find out.”
“Also
hard to do,” Mordock continued, and paused for a juicy sounding
belch. “As most of them are dead as well.” He started rummaging
in his pack.
“What
are you looking for?” Riley asked, somewhat incredulous.
“Sarenrae's
blessings,” Mordock retorted entirely without jest. Riley just
rolled his eyes.
“Do
you remember,” the human continued, pulling an arrow out of his
quiver and testing the arrowhead for sharpness, “at Diamond City?”
“Which
part?” came Mordock's muffled reply. His entire left arm and a good
portion of his head were buried in his haversack as he pawed through
the goods.
“You
know, you're supposed to be able to call the name of what you want
and it will be right on top when you reach for it with those things,”
Riley informed him.
“Mine
does not do that,” Mordock replied tersely.
“What?”
Mordock
pulled his head out of the haversack and gave Riley a glower that
could have wilted stalagmites. “Mine does not do that.” He
continued his rifling.
“This
might be the obvious question but… why not?” Riley asked after a
moment.
“What’s
all this about Diamond City?” Mordock's muffled voice came back.
“You
kept whacking that demon with your axe and he just kept coming,”
Riley continued, spinning the arrow idly in his palm.
“Mmm,”
was the muffled reply. “Oh here… no, that is not it.”
“Seriously,
what is wrong with your haversack?” Riley asked again.
Mordock
pulled his head out again and this time the glower could have melted
adamantine. “If you must know,” he said through gritted pointed
teeth. “I thought I was getting a good bargain on it.”
Riley
looked blankly back at him. “Where did you get it?”
Mordock
mumbled something and went back to digging. “What about the demon?”
“I
put arrow after arrow in him and he kept coming. Devlin kept ducking
in and out of shadows wearing it down, Hells, Jynai even shot it with
a ballistae and it still kept coming.”
“Aha!”
Mordock came back out of his pack and flopped against the bulkhead, a
handful of sunflower seeds clutched in his palm. He offered some to
Riley. “Sarenrae's blessings?”
Riley
waved the seeds away. “How is that Sarenrae's blessings?” he
asked as Mordock tossed five or six of the seeds into his maw.
“Sunflower
seeds? She's the Dawnflower? Goddess of the sun? Do you not pay
attention to anything Thailyn says?” Mordock asked, inadvertently
expectorating several shell-bits in the process.
Riley
scowled over at their paladin friend Thailyn who stood in the bow,
gazing toward, though not at, the rising sun. “As little as
possible.”
Mordock
snorted a laugh that might have been a grunt (or possibly the other
way around). Casually he tossed several seeds over the side. When
Riley looked at him questioningly, he shrugged.
“Sailor's
trick. They throw a coin or something valuable over the side to
appease the sea.”
“We're
not at sea. And how do you know this as you hate boats so much?”
Riely mused.
“I
read books,” Mordock replied with a wide grin that put Riley in
mind of a rather toothy sahuagin he ran across in his earlier
adventures. Then Mordock burped again and looked green under his
scaly skin.
“Perhaps
eating when you're seasick isn't such a great idea.”
Mordock
replied by swallowing his gorge and shooting Riley another grin, this
one a bit more feeble. “We are not at sea.”
Riley
rolled his eyes and pretended to check the line of his arrow. It was
true, of course, he had crafted it himself, but he liked to have
something to do with his hands while otherwise idle.
“And
Jynai shot AT the demon, but she missed. Damn near took my head off.
Do not know whose bright idea it was to put her on the siege engine,
let alone think she ought to fire it anywhere near friendlies.”
Mordock murmured, keeping his voice low.
“I
heard that,” the oracle named Jynai called from the stern of the
boat.
“You
were meant to!” Mordock called back though clearly she was not.
Riley smirked. Mordock viewed Jynai, by all rights an incredibly
beautiful aasimar, as a little sister. Despite the fact that she was
several decades Mordock's elder.
“But
you do recall this demon,” Riley confirmed.
Mordock
blinked and focused on him again. “Aye,” he replied. “What of
him?”
“When
he came at you… with those huge talons and giant dripping teeth…
after slaughtering all those other soldiers, and the blood and ichor
all over his nearly gelatinous skin-”
“Stop
painting me a portrait and get to the point!” Mordock snarled, his
face a tad greener.
“Were
you scared?” Riley finished, his face implacable.
“What?”
Mordock asked, taken somewhat aback.
“Were
you scared?” Riley asked again, emphasizing each word.
Mordock
stared at his friend's face for a long moment.
“You
are gods damned right I was scared,” Mordock growled back, his
confusion at the question adding an edge to his voice. “I would be
bloody mad if I were not!”
“But…
wet yourself scared?”
Mordock
looked at Riley as if HE were mad. “What are you on about?”
“No,”
Mordock replied, guardedly. “The only time I was even close to
'wetting myself scared' was the monster in the temple under Carrion
Hill.”
“Aha!”
A strong, tenebrous voice broke through their conversation. The slim,
robed figure of the elven wizard Penrod seemed to materialize before
them as he leapt from his spot, previously unnoticed by Mordock. He
pointed a long bony finger at Riley. “I told you he wet himself at
Carrion Hill! That is one platinum piece you owe me sir!”
Grumbling,
Riley produced the coin and slapped it grudgingly in the elf's hand.
“You…
you...” Mordock sputtered.
“I
don't know what you're upset about,” Riley mumbled. “You lost me
a platinum you big baby.”
“You
were betting whether or not I WET myself in fear?” Mordock
spluttered.
“Yes!
I bet Penrod that you didn't, turns out you're just a big coward.”
“ANYONE
WOULD HAVE WET THEMSELVES IF THEY HAD SEEN THAT THING!”
“I
didn't!” Penrod murmured.
“Nor
I,” called Thailyn.
“Or
me,” said Jynai. Cleo and Devlin also chimed in the negative.
“None
of you went toe-to-toe with it!” protested Mordock.
“Oh
shut up and buy a new haversack, you big baby!” Riley snapped and
shoved the arrow back in his quiver.
“Bah!”
Mordock exploded to his feet in a huff, but teetered dangerously on
the boat, fell to his knees against the bulkhead and sprayed bile and
Sarenrae's blessings all over the brackish river water.
“I
hate boats,” Mordock muttered.
